I have been quiet for a long time! I just realized how long, and wow!
I have been having some personal battles; growing my mind and spirit. Bible study, personal development books and audio, and lots of prayer time has been my last several months. My life has changed quite a bit. In most areas the change has been for the better. In the weight loss area, however......
I have gained weight and feel like I'm starting back at starting point on my fitness. I'm not really, but it sure feels like it. That brought on guilt and disgust with myself that I let my habits get so out of hand. "You know better, Cat, what is wrong with you?!" That resonated in my head every time I would sleep past my workout time or eat food I knew I didn't need.
The problem wasn't even that I was eating the wrong things. I just didn't care anymore.
I hated the thought of counting calories. I stopped for most of the last six months. I stopped looking at nutrition information because I knew that I was going to eat it anyway. I ate nonsense for lunch, snack, and dinner. I baked a LOT, ate it almost all by myself, and didn't want to do any different. Until my body felt like crap, then I would start hearing that broken "what is wrong with you?" record again.
I have been feeling convicted about my habits lately. Not with the broken record like I talked about above, but feeling that little pull inside when God is trying to tell you something. I would sit through sermons and chats in Bible study and hear everything point to my battle with food. Weird, right? The Bible isn't about food, how nuts. God has bigger fish to fry than to worry about what I eat.
Unless my eating habits are keeping me from honoring Him. What if my eating habits are causing a stumbling block for me in my path that follows Him? What if my eating habits are a stumbling block in someone else's path to Him? What if my eating habits are a sign that I'm following me, not Him?
Oh, snap. That one hurt.
After a Bible study on the fight between the flesh and the spirit that punched me straight in the face, I finally admitted to myself that my choices had become sinful. Eating isn't a sin; after all He created us with a need to eat! Enjoying food isn't a sin, either. The gluttony that had become my every day habit was a sin. My lack of caring what happens to the body God gave me was a sin. My disrespect for the success He has already granted me in weight loss and health was a sin. My spiteful attitude that led me to eat an extra 4 Oreos to prove I didn't care was a sin. Who was I proving it to, I have yet to understand. Bonehead choices, I'm telling you.
Please know that I am not saying that eating is a sin. It is NOT. This is not a judgement post; this is a personal responsibility and truth post. This is about ME and how I perverted a basic human need into sin in my own life.
There is so much more to this, I just don't know what else to say. I spent a lot of time in prayer yesterday, and for the first time in months I ate (drank, since it's Shakeology) my breakfast and walked away. I didn't want food again until it was time for my morning snack. It was so liberating! The same thing happened after lunch. I didn't sit and watch the clock waiting for a reasonable time to eat my snack, or eat my snack early and wonder what I would have when it was snack time for real. I fed my body what it needed and moved on. It was so liberating!
I understand that this battle is a test of my faith. Or perhaps not a test, but a refining period, where He is strengthening me with the experience. Either way, I know that it's time to put my focus on God, not me.
So there you have it. Thank you for taking the time to read and support me!